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Friday, 31 October 2014

Halloween Specials: Light As A Feather


The time is upon us! It's officially All Hallows Eve. Also known as National The Craft Night. And what kind of Coming-Of-Age-Junkie would I be if I didn't look at this particular 90's classic on a night like this.

Turn off the lights and get the candles out.


The Craft tells the story of these three Los Angeles high school Wiccans, Rochelle, Nancy and Bonnie, who are looking for their fourth witch. Cuz you need four to be mega powerful and stuff.


Fairuza Balk as Nancy is the most stylish and the most terrifying thing in the world.


PVC x nose ring x a look of utter contempt for all humankind is basically Nancy's go to look. And it's delicious. She dyes her hair so she's punk rock and automatically gets to boss everyone else around.


I mean, I wouldn't argue with that face, would you?

ENTER: Robin Tunney.

Tunney plays Sarah, a scruffy San Franciscan who just attempted suicide. Also her mum died. In terms of teenage problems, Sarah has them. And then more. Infinitely more. So she's starting over at a new school. Her dad does a good All Round American Good Guy attempt to cheer her on.


But she's wearing a terrible wig AND it's hamster coloured. It's a lose lose situation. What she needs is friends! Could it be this motley crew?


You can practically hear Lionel Ritchie echoing "Hello? Is it me you're looking for?" along the corridors.

The Craft tells us that in order to be a witch all you basically need are really baggy clothes and eyeliner. You also have to be tormented by doofus bros of course. What is an American coming of age without a bunch of asshats who think they're real funny?


Plus they are really poorly dressed so IDEK why they think they're God's Satan's gift. 

So basically the girls just sit around staring at all the people that they're better than. It's a really long list, even for a high school situated in Hollywood. Practically everyone in this film has a gagsome personality.


Sarah stands around watching a Football Fuckboy run around a field but luckily the witches swoop in (sans brooms) and are like "Come with us and do something interesting instead."


Side note: that interesting thing is shoplifting. This is the part of the film where we all stare confusingly yet longingly at that jacket. Just so shiny. It's like an inviting pool of tar.

Anyway! The girls form an allegiance of sorts! They're young and free and they tie their sweaters around their waists! It's a great time to be a witch.


However! Despite finding people to hang out with who are fun and smart, Sarah still decides to go out with Football Fuckboy, for reasons unknown. Not a huge shocker to anybody I'm sure, but he acts all chill when they're together and then spreads lies about her the next day at school. Yeah, this one's a real peach.


But this arsehole believe it or not is not the worst.

We all know these type of movies have a mean girl. A girl who taunts other girls, who teases the nerds, who calls people 'frigid virgins' and generally walks around with a face as if she's just caught a whiff of herself and guess what, she smells amazing. The girl you love to hate. But The Craft has... a white supremacist... masquerading as the 'popular girl™' troupe. It's jarring to say the least.


You guys this walking blowout of a girl pictured above isn't Regina George. This is a racist wearing cute converse. IT IS CRAZY HOW CASUALLY THIS CHARACTER IS DROPPED INTO A TEEN MOVIE.

There is no way to segue into my style highlight from that. But I'm going to. Because I'm going to soak in the glory of Rochelle, looking like the best Free Love version of herself.


Well it's my favourite part of the film in general. Look at these outfits, they're incredible.


And the most important dialogue of the entire thing also.

The level of cute and sassy continues to go through the roof. Nancy even teams a candy necklace with her usual studded leather choker.


And praise the lord because there are sleepovers. Remember having sleepovers? Well if you're anything like me then you definitely remember because the last time you had one was about three weeks ago. But alas, school sleepovers were a joyous pastime that can never really be recreated in the same way in adulthood.

Instead, soak in how adorable these lot look, in various stages of dungaree and throw pillow. This room IS the nineties and it makes me feel safe and comfortable just looking at it.


Also you know when you were in school and you used to play games at night to freak each other out? Well these girls are actual witches, so the only thing that can freak them out are the extent of their own magical powers. Jealous? Me?


The Power Of The Scrunchie combined with The Force Of The Choker. It's a thing.


They're all like "woah, you're levitating!" Girls just you wait and see what ya'll get up to later.


I "light as a feather, stiff as a board"ed until I was blue in the face but THIS NEVER HAPPENED AT MY SLEEPOVERS! I'm getting out my sleepover guarantee! I want my money back!

Even though they're witches and can do badass stuff, they still chose to snuggle up and watch TV. Nawwwww.


Bewitch'd! The meta choice enjoyed by all.


So now the coven is girl band ready. They look so good together.


Tartan and white and crosses and beads. Heaven. Catholic school, so it's appropriate. But also stylistically, heaven.

And plaits! There aren't enough plaits in pop culture these days!


They're all becoming vaguely successful in their attempts at magic. Sarah's Football Fuckboy is totally in love with her, Rochelle's racist tormenter is losing her hair, and Bonnie's scarring has completely disappeared. *insert lacklustre "yay" here*

This photo here captures the exact moment when Nancy, whose spells aren't working, puts on her little yellow headphones and is all "Eff you smug witches I'm outta here"


She heads back home to talk to her shrine, naturally.


And then a great thing happens! Her abusive stepdad kicks the bucket and she inherits $175,000 outta the pervy jerk's life insurance.

Just a mother and daughter smoking together! Celebrating the matriarchy! Like the Gilmore's but living in a gross trailer. Whatever, they look great don't they?


And spoiler alert: they don't stay in that trailer for long. The witches put on their best knee highs, pilgrim shoes and berets and head out to visit Nancy's new pad.


And this is it. This is her new room.


Where is this apartment? Honestly in what world, even twenty years ago, can 175k buy you a place in Los Angeles with that view? I would saw off a limb to live there, don't get me wrong, but basic knowledge of real estate laughs in the face of this. Loudly.

It's a super cute new spot to practice their spells though. It's aesthetically empowering, that's for sure.


But just as we're revelling in the sisterhood, things take a nosedive. A pierced nosedive.

Football Fuckboy tries to rape Sarah. Maybe the writers thought "hey, we've lightly sprinkled in racism, why not rape as well. Let's do absolutely nothing to address these issues, and our society's relation to them at large though. Just, you know, sprinkle."


No surprises here: Nancy flies off in a murderous rage.


This is a good thing, right? Wrong. This is where the story heads into the point of no return. Because although Nancy charges into full revenge mode, she ends up morphing into Sarah, making out with Football Fuckboy, and then killing him.

What? says everyone, everywhere.

And now we're on a California beach and they're all screaming to Manon for almighty power.

Everybody just slow down...take a breath.


No? Okay.

Extra tip for achieving wiccan chic: get hit by lightning for that ultimate mid-spell glow.


And now Nancy, the little goth that could, is walking on water. Sure.


Visually, she's gone full Kelly Osbourne The Teen Years combined with Sharon Osbourne The Plastic Surgery Years.


It's a scary hybrid. Luckily for us, Rochelle still looks like a babe from a nineties music video.


*high fives Rochelle, because, denim*

Sarah decides they've all gone nuts and retreats into her backyard. She's back in Dungaree Mode, which I can fully sympathise with.


But it's too late. The trio have evidently decided that Black Is The New Black. It's Hot Topic City up in here.


Oh didn't you hear Sarah? They're surging pure hatred toward you now. I feel as though I should back up and try to work out why this happened but then I realised that there is no reason why this happened. It's beyond comprehension at this point. They're all defending a sex criminal, some murders happened, and now they all hate Sarah? This got sour. This got sour like milk in the sun. This is just exceptionally frustrating. And let's be honest...sexism and evil are likely bedfellows.


A 'We're gonna come to your house and create the illusion your dad is dead' kind of evil.

Also 'rising in the air simultaneously snarling' kind of evil. All types of evil, totally covered.


I mean Nancy has lost it so much her hair has gone completely Annie.


And I'm supposed to believe that Nancy would be scared when Sarah turns her fingers into snakes? Oh please, Nancy would thrive on that!! She would immediately stake her hand into your eyeballs.

There's an ultimate showdown. And Sarah wins.

And her prize is... dressing like a middle aged lady?


Bonnie and Rochelle go to ask Sarah for forgiveness. But then they suddenly forget that they're asking for a truce and start acting like straight up dickheads again. Why, Bonnie and Rochelle, why? Also why these outfits? I mean I know you were just taken over by a dark force, but was that dark force The Stuff The Pirates Of The Caribbean Wardrobe Department Passed On...?


Those cuffs! Honestly, get your shit together. Did Nancy dress you this entire movie, is that it?

Speaking of Nancy.


Oops, girl. Looks like you took all this a bit too far.

This is a sad ending. They all hate each other. The sleepovers are just a distant memory. A distant memory that happened a few days ago, but still, a distant memory.

My rewatching of The Craft has taught me that it's sad. Did anyone else feel sad? There needs to be a mainstream witch film of feminist value ASAP. It's time. You up for it Jenji Kohan?

Sunday, 26 October 2014

Halloween Specials: Top Ten



I love Halloween. I love Buffy. I love reading about Salem. I love Frankenstein. I love Wednesday Addams. It's in my DNA, I'm sure of it. When Sarah Jessica Parker found out on 'Who Do You Think You Are?' that she had a distant relative who was accused of witchcraft in the Salem trials I felt two things. One, unbridled joy that SJP's great great great great grandmother (or whoever) was basically SJP in the hair and makeup trailer circa 1993... and two, jealousy.

Getting into the Halloween spirit brings me so much joy I decided to write a list containing the best films to help you go about it. These are my favourite ghouly wiccafests but they're also extremely valuable style-wise. Because, witches should be on the cover of Vogue, everybody knows this. If you watch any of these films and don't feel sufficiently spooky, I'll offer a 100% money back guarantee. Or maybe I'll hex you. It's a chance you gotta take.

10. Stoker

At the risk of sounding like your Nan, "they don't make Halloween films like they used to." With a 2013 release, Stoker is the most recent film on the list. For the last ten years or so there just hasn't been enough witchcraft in pop culture. Recently, it's been on the up. Maleficient was magnificent, American Horror Story is genre breaking and I'm excited for In The Woods to be a thing... but let's just say it was pretty barren for a while. And we've obviously ruined vampires, about which I'm LIVID (I'm looking at you, Twilight, The Vampire Diaries and just the overexposure in general that not even Let The Right One In could heal.) Basically we've ruined the supernatural :(

But Stoker for me really stood out and I instantly loved it. I think Mia Wasikowski is fantastic in it, that it's reminiscent of the Burton/Ryder dynamic and it's creepily mysterious and aesthetically delicious. Nicole Kidman playing batshit is a complete dream, especially her dialogue about why we have children. The relationship dynamics are unsettling and it's allusions to Hitchcock, Dracula and Twin Peaks are finely tuned yet coy. I love Matthew Goode playing creepy as fuck (original cast member Colin Firth dropped out and for this I am very grateful). I also love that it's written by Wentworth Miller and directed by Park Chan-wook and just generally how did that work so well?? It's a mystery. Like the film in general. What is distinctly not a mystery however is the incredible use of style.

Because Stoker knows that peter pan collars truly belong to creepy Addams girls and recognises the need for them to be claimed back from twee ukelele girls ASAP. I mean the collar was first worn in 1905 for a production of Peter And Wendy by Maude Adams for christs sake. Adams, Addams, same thing.



The real style highlight of Stoker however, are the saddle shoes.


The creators of Wasikowski's actual shoes used in the film are a company (perfectly) named Muffy's, and they can be found here.

These were also used for Rory's Chiltern days in Gilmore Girls, and they are perfect and subsequently at the top of my Christmas list.



Also amazing for saddle shoes are Bass x Rachel Antonoff. I have two pairs and I desperately want more. The varieties seem endless and most are more of the cute than classic persuasion.


Let's all lace up and take in the vision.


Whatever. I'll do as I please.



9. Practical Magic



Two entries in and Nicole Kidman has featured twice. Kudos to you, Kidman, in all your ginger glory. Also starring every girl's fave Sandy Bullock and... Rizzo and Peg Boggs, this film is a masterclass in sisterhood and candle usage.

Practical Magic basically revolves around two sisters living with their two aunts. And everyone's a witch. They make potions but they also make cocktails. They drink margaritas and dance around the kitchen at midnight. It's like SATC but with a terrible family curse. A curse that means that the men they love always die. Not exactly your usual "But this was all for a bet! You betrayed me! How can I ever trust you again?!" romcom plot point. Death is pretty final. No "just one more chance and I promise I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you." Death.

The style is an odd mix of Stevie Nicks draping, all American denim, hippie shirts, vests, and Nicole Kidman wearing an inexplicably bad pair of sunglasses.

And I mean bad.



Don't say I didn't warn you.

Let's get drunk and despair at Goran Višnjić as an ogre.




8. The Witches


I love Anjelica Huston. I love Roald Dahl. So this is a perfect combination that scared me shitless as a child. Just the thought of all those witches taking of their wigs and Huston turning into that hook nosed rat queen makes me recoil faster than a Dapper Laughs gag.

I can't talk too much about The Witches or it'll for real give me nightmares.

There is some amazing tailoring though.



7. Casper


Casper is a friendly ghost. Fun fact: Casper is also a shade of foundation I wish existed.

It's a classic, what can I say. It's fun for all the family! Remember that part where Christina Ricci's teenage ghost boyfriend has to sacrifice himself because her dad got so wasted he accidentally killed himself? Oh yeah, those sweet childhood memories. Mostly this film didn't make me afraid of ghosts it just made me afraid of growing up in a world lacking a matriarchal figure. But I guess the ghosts did sneer and burp and stuff so that isn't nice either.

The style examination of Casper doesn't take long. Because Cat just dressed like she was in Hanson.


She wore those huge long sleeved shirts that only button til halfway down. What the hell are they called? I have no idea. And baggy jeans. 


Also a leather necklace and a centre part. Mmm bop!

At one point she does get to wear her mother's wedding dress though which is nice/creepy.


So the main style tip for Christina Ricci in Casper is - send a Miss Havisham memo round to all your local charity shops. I haven't tried it, but probably accurate?


6. Addams Family Values



Both Anjelica Huston and Christina Ricci's second appearance on the list. Game set match Huston Ricci. I've chosen Addams Family Values ('93) over The Addams Family ('91) for a reason. That reason, and I don't mean to be dramatic, is because Wednesday Addams changed my life in this film.

Five times that Wednesday Addams was unapologetically Wednesday Addams:

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.

Both the style direction and the casting in this is Oscar worthy. 


5. Beetlejuice



Everyone knows Beetlejuice, right? Burton at his best. Burton at his best? Maybe. Baldwin at his best? Definitely. What a hunk.


I can't begin talking about Winona because I won't stop. Beetlejuice needs it's own blog because everyone from Winona Ryder to Geena Davis to Michael Keaton to CATHERINE O'HARA I NEARLY FORGOT CATHERINE O'HARA to Miss Argentina is a style hero.

Jump In The Line and roll your eyes like a teenager.



4. Carrie



It's telekinesis time! One of my forever favourite pop culture points (Superstar, I'm looking, and applauding, at you) Carrie is in a league of it's own. As an avid fan of Julianne Moore I will always politely refuse to watch the remake. It's just a principles thing, man. 1976 Carrie is perfection. Perfection in a bitchy, bloody, batshit package.

Carrie is just something that needs to be seen. I've just tried to explain it's appeal a few times and I can't because it's impossible.

The style in Carrie however, is easy to replicate. Just take a classic prom getup, a 1970's blowout and a bucket of pig blood. Oh, and be sure to refer to your tits as 'dirty pillows'.


Bless your fawny freckly face Sissy Spacek, and all the terror it had to endure.


3. Hocus Pocus



We're into the top three! And unsurprisingly the top three consists entirely of La Witch Ensemble variety.

The style in Hocus Pocus is classic 90's. Both 1990's and 1690's.
*jackpot sound effect*

I am completely in love with Sarah Jessica Parker's look in this film. Something about her bright hair, dark eyebrows, excess eyeliner and dark red lip combo was a real winner for her. What a stunner.

Thora Birch also rocks a red lip in this. Yeah, she's an eleven year old who rocks a red lip better than we do.

SJP, Kathy Najimy and Bette Midler are powerful witches... who have to rely on a virgin resurrecting them. Obviously this thing has real comedy value. These misfits literally suck the life out of children but yet, I still adore them.

Midler is grouchy, SJP is sadistic and Najimy is a pushover. It's like all the elements of Earth, Wind, Fire and Water except this is all in aid of a silly, strange story surrounding an immortal black cat.

I was excited to find you can take a tour of the Hocus Pocus filming locations which I'm sure is a complete joy.

So let's sit back and sing I Put A Spell On You and speculate about the sequel. Also, Tina Fey's 'Untitled Witch Project' for Disney. Which I am experiencing a completely relaxed reaction to.



2. The Witches Of Eastwick




The Witches Of Eastwick is a masterpiece made up of some very confusing factors. Like levitating tennis balls, a cherry stone pukefest, Michelle Pfeiffer's heaven sent stomach apparently having housed six babies and why the hell any of them really fancy Jack Nicholson. Michelle Pfeiffer, Cher and Susan Sarandon are all SO ATTRACTIVE in this film it should, frankly, be illegal.

Style highlights include Cher in dungarees, Sarandon wandering around the supermarket in mirrored sunnies like it's Studio 54,  and Pfeiffer in "I'm A Nerdy Writer" clear rimmed glasses.

But the real style merit must be awarded to Hair And Makeup department, for getting three white girls' hairs to be so big. SO big, ALL the time. No easy feat. The fifth person on the call sheet was basically Permwig McHairspray.


This film needs a whole blog to itself also. It's glorious.


1. The Craft



Light as a feather, stiff as a board - of course it's these lunatics. It was always going to be The Craft. The Craft had me at hello, or should I say The Craft had me at "he comes on to anything with tits, Sarah."

It has everything: witchcraft, school uniforms, awful popular girls, intense lightning, sarcastic insults, an influx of snakes, and a really terrible wig (I'm looking at you, Robin Tunney.)

And Neve Campbell in an anorak. What a bonus.

And just to prove how predictable I am, I would like to share with you that number two on this list is actually referenced by number one. *saunters over into my references of pop culture in pop culture MetaCave and closes the door slowly*



For an in depth look at all things plaid and PVC, the style blog for The Craft will be up in a couple of days.

And so concludes the countdown. There's got to be something on here you like, right?


HAPPY HALLOWEEN  EVERY(MUTILATED)BODY


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