Mr Pointy

This is an ode to the pilot of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Now, don't take me for a rookie. I know the film came first, and I know the first pilot got thrown out, but this is it for me. This pilot was where my obsession with TV began, when I realised every other female character in every other show I had seen thus far had failed me, where grimey rock bars became my saviour before I even had a whiff of alcohol, and where a part of my soul fluttered over to America never to return. The 90's, man. Ugly menaces got staked and axed and crossbowed and punched and the wit hit even harder and my god... Angel. Just that face and that snark. I don't even know what my body would do if I ever saw David Boreanaz IRL because that spikey hair and velvet suit were it for me. I'd have to give my body over to science or something after that.

I didn't start watching Buffy in real time, I was seven in 1997 when it first aired, but I think I was probably ten when I first starting watching the reruns on BBC2. When Sarah Michelle Gellar kicking people in the face became my favourite thing in the world. And to this day, whenever I feel television is failing me, or the world is failing us all, I return to the Hellmouth. It is home. I am who I am because of Buffy, Willow and Xander. I am a composite of their personalities. And honestly, who better than those silly schmucks?

Now, I'm not saying that Buffy is perfect, but you know what, it's pretty fucking close. Let's delve into Sunnydale.

Buffy is starting at a new school. She's your classic eye-rolling valley girl but she's also this thing called a slayer. She's basically the number one protector of the human race from vampires. And it's vampires primarily, but every other demon also. Like she'd be slacking if she just did vampires. Good luck kid.

The principal is all "well you burned down the gym at your last school" and she's all "gimme a break buddy I gotta lotta shit on my plate rn"

You already know this thing is magic. It's coming of age AND supernatural. BTVS is basically John Hughes making A Gilmore Girls Hunger Games Nineties Special aka it covers all my needs and interests. PS amazing music.

The nineties were a golden age. A golden age of hiring 40 year olds as background extras for scenes in schools and shrugging, like yeah, seems legit. The Sunnydale High hallways were mainly home to men with 10am shadows, and women with the most age inappropriate pigtails you ever did see.

SMG always wore the cutest hair clips. She's a walking Claire's Accessories. And if you think anyone ever looked better in a mini skirt and leather knee high boots, I'd like to see your credentials please sir.

Next up there's Xander. He of floppy hair and goofy aside. I wanna squish his cheeks. I didn't fancy Xander the first time around (did I mention Angel?) but I really do these days.  He's just so funny and nervous. Plus he skateboards and helps you pick up your books when you drop them.

Any boy not allergic to books is okay in my books. I said books too many times. Xander basically locked eyes on our protagonist and immediately heard Joe Cocker's You Are So Beautiful echoing all around him. And you can hardly blame him.

Xander is our layman. He wears Vans trousers and layers under baggy shirts. He's our lovable doofus and comic relief. We love Xander.

Sidenote: who knew 2012 Lena Dunham was in the pilot of Buffy The Vampire Slayer?!

In the foreground there though, that's Cordelia. She's a dickhead, and she's brilliant. Her face is a permanent "ew, get away from me". She wears sheer all damn day and tortures everybody.

Especially Willow.

Willow is one of those future turnaround characters that were dressed up as an archetypal unpopular geek in the nineties, and are now seen as the best dressed person on the show. This outfit is a couple of undone buttons away from being The Coolest Girl At The Peckham Popup.

Teaming plaid and stripes and pastel like a pro. She has the strong sense of self to wear white tights in the California sun and oh yeah, the greatest Jansport backpack around. I miss those things.

The school librarian doubles as Buffy's Watcher. She fights demons and he teaches her how. And he reads a lot of books. His double life works out very well for him. He's called Giles.

He's British so he says "quite" and "damn" all the time and wears an impressive amount of tweed, naturally.

ENTER Angel:

I told you.

He's the brooding older guy (spoiler alert A LOT older) who drops by and talks in riddles about the dangers ahead. Upon reflection, if a guy stalked me into a dark alleyway and started talking about something called a Harvest... I'd call the police. But, you know, *points at his attractive face* *reminds you about Buffy's super strength*

Here's Willow again. This time as The Coolest Girl At The Islington Book Club. She may just have every borough of London covered, style wise. That cosy cardigan belonged to her grandmother and she found the floral collar dress when she went to New York over Christmas and discovered the most amazing Brooklyn Flea... probably.

I am of course joking because Willow Rosenberg predates all of these assumptions and is therefore an international treasure. We 20 somethings bow in her presence.

You hear that?

That's the sound of my brain synapses realising why I've loved white nail polish and plastic jewellery my entire life.

But what of the actually vampires? You know how Edward Cullen glitters? Kind of like how a small child would want to accessorise themselves for a role as a fairy princess in the school play?

This is Darla

She looks scary as fuck BECAUSE SHE'S A VAMPIRE. Note to all modern "vampire" things: you're supposed to be scared. A fair amount of hair and makeup is supposed to go into the costume. Not like a "did she spend an afternoon at the local craft fair" kind of effort, an "I can't look this person in the eye on set in case I shit myself" amount of effort.

I'm all in now, I'm rewatching Buffy The Vampire Slayer. This is just the beginning. Which is obvious, because it's the pilot. What I mean is that there's going to be a lot more of this on here.

Halloween Specials: Light As A Feather

The time is upon us! It's officially All Hallows Eve. Also known as National The Craft Night. And what kind of Coming-Of-Age-Junkie would I be if I didn't look at this particular 90's classic on a night like this.

Turn off the lights and get the candles out.

The Craft tells the story of these three Los Angeles high school Wiccans, Rochelle, Nancy and Bonnie, who are looking for their fourth witch. Cuz you need four to be mega powerful and stuff.

Fairuza Balk as Nancy is the most stylish and the most terrifying thing in the world.

PVC x nose ring x a look of utter contempt for all humankind is basically Nancy's go to look. And it's delicious. She dyes her hair so she's punk rock and automatically gets to boss everyone else around.

I mean, I wouldn't argue with that face, would you?

ENTER: Robin Tunney.

Tunney plays Sarah, a scruffy San Franciscan who just attempted suicide. Also her mum died. In terms of teenage problems, Sarah has them. And then more. Infinitely more. So she's starting over at a new school. Her dad does a good All Round American Good Guy attempt to cheer her on.

But she's wearing a terrible wig AND it's hamster coloured. It's a lose lose situation. What she needs is friends! Could it be this motley crew?

You can practically hear Lionel Ritchie echoing "Hello? Is it me you're looking for?" along the corridors.

The Craft tells us that in order to be a witch all you basically need are really baggy clothes and eyeliner. You also have to be tormented by doofus bros of course. What is an American coming of age without a bunch of asshats who think they're real funny?

Plus they are really poorly dressed so IDEK why they think they're God's Satan's gift. 

So basically the girls just sit around staring at all the people that they're better than. It's a really long list, even for a high school situated in Hollywood. Practically everyone in this film has a gagsome personality.

Sarah stands around watching a Football Fuckboy run around a field but luckily the witches swoop in (sans brooms) and are like "Come with us and do something interesting instead."

Side note: that interesting thing is shoplifting. This is the part of the film where we all stare confusingly yet longingly at that jacket. Just so shiny. It's like an inviting pool of tar.

Anyway! The girls form an allegiance of sorts! They're young and free and they tie their sweaters around their waists! It's a great time to be a witch.

However! Despite finding people to hang out with who are fun and smart, Sarah still decides to go out with Football Fuckboy, for reasons unknown. Not a huge shocker to anybody I'm sure, but he acts all chill when they're together and then spreads lies about her the next day at school. Yeah, this one's a real peach.

But this arsehole believe it or not is not the worst.

We all know these type of movies have a mean girl. A girl who taunts other girls, who teases the nerds, who calls people 'frigid virgins' and generally walks around with a face as if she's just caught a whiff of herself and guess what, she smells amazing. The girl you love to hate. But The Craft has... a white supremacist... masquerading as the 'popular girl™' troupe. It's jarring to say the least.

You guys this walking blowout of a girl pictured above isn't Regina George. This is a racist wearing cute converse. IT IS CRAZY HOW CASUALLY THIS CHARACTER IS DROPPED INTO A TEEN MOVIE.

There is no way to segue into my style highlight from that. But I'm going to. Because I'm going to soak in the glory of Rochelle, looking like the best Free Love version of herself.

Well it's my favourite part of the film in general. Look at these outfits, they're incredible.

And the most important dialogue of the entire thing also.

The level of cute and sassy continues to go through the roof. Nancy even teams a candy necklace with her usual studded leather choker.

And praise the lord because there are sleepovers. Remember having sleepovers? Well if you're anything like me then you definitely remember because the last time you had one was about three weeks ago. But alas, school sleepovers were a joyous pastime that can never really be recreated in the same way in adulthood.

Instead, soak in how adorable these lot look, in various stages of dungaree and throw pillow. This room IS the nineties and it makes me feel safe and comfortable just looking at it.

Also you know when you were in school and you used to play games at night to freak each other out? Well these girls are actual witches, so the only thing that can freak them out are the extent of their own magical powers. Jealous? Me?

The Power Of The Scrunchie combined with The Force Of The Choker. It's a thing.

They're all like "woah, you're levitating!" Girls just you wait and see what ya'll get up to later.

I "light as a feather, stiff as a board"ed until I was blue in the face but THIS NEVER HAPPENED AT MY SLEEPOVERS! I'm getting out my sleepover guarantee! I want my money back!

Even though they're witches and can do badass stuff, they still chose to snuggle up and watch TV. Nawwwww.

Bewitch'd! The meta choice enjoyed by all.

So now the coven is girl band ready. They look so good together.

Tartan and white and crosses and beads. Heaven. Catholic school, so it's appropriate. But also stylistically, heaven.

And plaits! There aren't enough plaits in pop culture these days!

They're all becoming vaguely successful in their attempts at magic. Sarah's Football Fuckboy is totally in love with her, Rochelle's racist tormenter is losing her hair, and Bonnie's scarring has completely disappeared. *insert lacklustre "yay" here*

This photo here captures the exact moment when Nancy, whose spells aren't working, puts on her little yellow headphones and is all "Eff you smug witches I'm outta here"

She heads back home to talk to her shrine, naturally.

And then a great thing happens! Her abusive stepdad kicks the bucket and she inherits $175,000 outta the pervy jerk's life insurance.

Just a mother and daughter smoking together! Celebrating the matriarchy! Like the Gilmore's but living in a gross trailer. Whatever, they look great don't they?

And spoiler alert: they don't stay in that trailer for long. The witches put on their best knee highs, pilgrim shoes and berets and head out to visit Nancy's new pad.

And this is it. This is her new room.

Where is this apartment? Honestly in what world, even twenty years ago, can 175k buy you a place in Los Angeles with that view? I would saw off a limb to live there, don't get me wrong, but basic knowledge of real estate laughs in the face of this. Loudly.

It's a super cute new spot to practice their spells though. It's aesthetically empowering, that's for sure.

But just as we're revelling in the sisterhood, things take a nosedive. A pierced nosedive.

Football Fuckboy tries to rape Sarah. Maybe the writers thought "hey, we've lightly sprinkled in racism, why not rape as well. Let's do absolutely nothing to address these issues, and our society's relation to them at large though. Just, you know, sprinkle."

No surprises here: Nancy flies off in a murderous rage.

This is a good thing, right? Wrong. This is where the story heads into the point of no return. Because although Nancy charges into full revenge mode, she ends up morphing into Sarah, making out with Football Fuckboy, and then killing him.

What? says everyone, everywhere.

And now we're on a California beach and they're all screaming to Manon for almighty power.

Everybody just slow down...take a breath.

No? Okay.

Extra tip for achieving wiccan chic: get hit by lightning for that ultimate mid-spell glow.

And now Nancy, the little goth that could, is walking on water. Sure.

Visually, she's gone full Kelly Osbourne The Teen Years combined with Sharon Osbourne The Plastic Surgery Years.

It's a scary hybrid. Luckily for us, Rochelle still looks like a babe from a nineties music video.

*high fives Rochelle, because, denim*

Sarah decides they've all gone nuts and retreats into her backyard. She's back in Dungaree Mode, which I can fully sympathise with.

But it's too late. The trio have evidently decided that Black Is The New Black. It's Hot Topic City up in here.

Oh didn't you hear Sarah? They're surging pure hatred toward you now. I feel as though I should back up and try to work out why this happened but then I realised that there is no reason why this happened. It's beyond comprehension at this point. They're all defending a sex criminal, some murders happened, and now they all hate Sarah? This got sour. This got sour like milk in the sun. This is just exceptionally frustrating. And let's be honest...sexism and evil are likely bedfellows.

A 'We're gonna come to your house and create the illusion your dad is dead' kind of evil.

Also 'rising in the air simultaneously snarling' kind of evil. All types of evil, totally covered.

I mean Nancy has lost it so much her hair has gone completely Annie.

And I'm supposed to believe that Nancy would be scared when Sarah turns her fingers into snakes? Oh please, Nancy would thrive on that!! She would immediately stake her hand into your eyeballs.

There's an ultimate showdown. And Sarah wins.

And her prize is... dressing like a middle aged lady?

Bonnie and Rochelle go to ask Sarah for forgiveness. But then they suddenly forget that they're asking for a truce and start acting like straight up dickheads again. Why, Bonnie and Rochelle, why? Also why these outfits? I mean I know you were just taken over by a dark force, but was that dark force The Stuff The Pirates Of The Caribbean Wardrobe Department Passed On...?

Those cuffs! Honestly, get your shit together. Did Nancy dress you this entire movie, is that it?

Speaking of Nancy.

Oops, girl. Looks like you took all this a bit too far.

This is a sad ending. They all hate each other. The sleepovers are just a distant memory. A distant memory that happened a few days ago, but still, a distant memory.

My rewatching of The Craft has taught me that it's sad. Did anyone else feel sad? There needs to be a mainstream witch film of feminist value ASAP. It's time. You up for it Jenji Kohan?