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Monday 13 October 2014

Halloween Specials: Teen Witch




So I have lived 24 years on this Earth without watching Teen Witch. Shame on me. SHAME ON ME. Have you seen it? No? Well then SHAME ON YOU. To celebrate October (the month I personally prefer to sing Andy Williams' "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year" along to) I'm looking at the style behind some of my favourite annual bewitching classics. And as I was making up my list, Teen Witch popped up on my 'recommended for you' and well the rest as they say, is history.

First things first about Teen Witch: this is not the Halloween film for you if you prefer to be scared shitless. The title Teen Witch probably gave that away. But just as a disclaimer anyway: Teen Witch is definitely for people who like Grease 2 level cheesiness and John Hughes style costume choices.

Second thing about Teen Witch: Blake Lively has an older sister. She's called Robyn Lively, and she plays the lead character, Louise Miller. 


In true 80s high school film fashion, Louise is a nerd who dreams of being popular. In the opening scene she dances around with the Resident Hunk in a truly beautiful urban neon landscape.


She climbs up a tall clock (?!) and falls into his arms...


Except she then wakes up to her real life. Which is not so glamourous. And extremely pastel. Oh, brother.


Another thing to note about Robyn Lively; she doesn't look anything like Blake Lively. Because I'm convinced she's actually Kate Nash and she invented the time machine.


I mean... it's unnerving.

Anyway, Geeky Nerd Louise Miller has a Geekier Nerdier friend who wears great hats.


And geeks in the late 80's are basically what Cool Kids look like now. So that's amusing.


I love those cat eye glasses.

Louise's style is the greatest. Don't get me wrong, she's no Andie or Duckie, but she definitely brings it. She wears huge trench coats, long pleated skirts and buttoned up shirts. She could be a Doc Marten's spokesperson, for sure.


But she chooses to wear ugly trainers instead. I guess they go with her trackies at least. If I saw this look IRL I would hate it but on her I love it. I'm a fickle person.



Yeah I struggled to get a good picture of her trainers/white socks/striped trackies/trench coat combo. But trust me, it's pretty crazy.

Speaking of pretty crazy, Louise meets a strange clairvoyant lady called Serena who is actually her Witch Sister or something.

She dresses like this. And her house looks like this. Because, of course.


She tells Louise that when she turns sixteen strange and wonderful things are going to start happening to her. She's incredibly blasé and vague about it all. These mysterious plot cruxes always are aren't they? Especially ones whose outfits consist of 80% mesh.

So Louise has her Sweet Sixteen party! And her little brother wears an incredible outfit, completely upstaging her, frankly.


Yep he has a shirt with a bow tie printed on it and he's also wearing a bow tie. If that isn't the most 80's setting I've ever seen I don't know what is.

Unfortunately no one turns up. BFF has to be the one to break it to Louise on the blower that some popular girl is having a party so the whole school decided to go to that instead.


Woe is Louise. It seems even some subtle Coca Cola product placement can't even cheer our protagonist up.


Fun fact about Teen Witch: All the denim in the world was used during production of the film.

Louise's knits seem to get bigger and her skirts longer the more depressed she is. We've all been there.


Her mum buys her an awful sweater vest and she's all "god mom!" but she wears it to the dance anyway cuz she's nice and respects her parental figures.


And actually, she says it's awful but I actually quite like it. There's something really mismatched about the colours, which I'm drawn to. Wouldn't wear it to a dance though, obvs.

Again, geeks in the eighties are so high fashion these days. Couldn't this guy be the 'snarky gay best friend' in a terrible sitcom about life, laughs and love... or something equally gagsome?


This film loves bow ties. And I love that about it.

Louise is like "nah, fuck this outfit mom" and gets changed in the toilets. Into a kind of Cyndi Lauper video extra type outfit. A lot of eye makeup happens.


Her hair gets exponentially bigger and a brightly coloured tutu is introduced over the top of another skirt. Layers and layers. This girl's an onion.


But knits are back (thank god) in her everyday life.


And this leaf patterned long dress which seemed a bit out of place but you know, what else are you going to wear when you sit on an abandoned carousel and learn magic spells?


This necklace is a magic locket. It's gives Louise a key to all of her powers. How does she use it? To try and turn all the popular girls against each other as a way of sabotage and self gain of course. Tina Fey has seen this movie.


I sincerely hope that leotards like that NEVER come back. No one thinks that high waisted leotards are a good idea unless they're high and wasted.


In main plot news its really seems like the popular guy is liking Louise. I mean, finally. I honestly can't remember what this guy's name is. I went to just say "oh let's just call him Brad" but now I think his name might legitimately be Brad.

BFF is back with yet another great hat. I want to play tennis dressed like this.


It's all a plastic pastel dream swirl.

Louise goes to see her Witch Sister Serena to cast a spell over the entire school to make her popular.


Why is she so beige? I don't know. Maybe she's on her way to riding club or something. She looks odd.

Oh it's because there needs to be a huge contrast because...

The spell works!! and catapults Louise into popularity!! And crazy clothes! What time is it? It's montage time!


Which means the best of denim is flashing before our eyes in 3,2,1



holy moly


Also, shoulder pads


But what does being popular even mean you might say. Well in Teen Witch this means that...

Girls dance enthusiastically behind you whenever you're walking anywhere...


Boys with lots of numbers written on them want to escort you everywhere...


And boys wearing blazers rap at you while you're walking home...


"Hey Leo! Romeo, Romeo where for art thou Romeo?" would be my personal catcall of choice.


And that's about the extent of "being popular." Oh also, popular girls also get to play around in sunflowers and be lead up to abandoned old houses by good looking guys. How could I miss that bit out


This jacket is my style highlight. I can't get enough of it. There's just so much going on.


Regular denim, acid wash denim, pastel pink, hot pink, turquoise and stripes, all on one jacket. It's mind blowing.

"Brad", or Brad, leads Louise on some sort of slow jazz 'cat and mouse' trip through this old house. Spoiler alert: he wants to get off with her. Nicholas Sparks has definitely seen this movie.


Yeah if you think that scene in The Notebook is cheesy YOU HAVE NO IDEA. This includes a soft lens and some randomly placed face sweat. That's all I'm gonna say.

Louise is back at school and everyone is dressing exactly like her. Also there are banners everywhere with her name written on them. Things have gone too far, to say the least.


Those jeans though.


She's even a cheerleader at this point. It's getting pretty gross.


Crowds of admirers gather outside her house and she has to sneak out the back to meet Brad.


I take it back about the Sweet Sixteen party scene before. THIS is definitely the most eighties thing I've ever seen:


As if her second crazily patterned denim jacket wasn't enough it's paired with his high-vis Adidas. Oh, and they're rowing. Even the sun is somehow incredibly eighties.

But does Brad really like her for her, or is he just under the popularity spell like everyone else? It's becoming problematic. Even Serena doesn't even know what to think.

I say who cares about Brad, you have all these new amazing clothes, that's what's important.


Those socks> Brad

But apparently "being genuine" and "being yourself" wins out and they reverse the spell.

It's time for another dance. How many dances do they need!


Louise gets her shoulder pads and her man so it's a happy ending.


It's such a shame the eighties ever had to end.

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