Charlie's Angels hit cinemas in 2000. The millennium. The year I turned ten, went to Disneyland Florida, read the fourth Harry Potter book and sat around scratching my head thinking about what the hell I had just seen in There's Something About Mary on VHS the year before. I loved Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore an infinite amount. That much was obvious. Who were the original Angels? I didn't know and I didn't care, I just knew I wanted to be one of these new gals.
Narratively, the three of them all had to be of equal kickass value, but with three completely different personalities. That also suited them working together as a team. Like the formula Popstars The Rivals would learn later. And so personality informed style and vice versa. But, you know, it's important to know who dressed the best. And I will be the judge of that. Like with Popstars The Rivals when I chose Girls Aloud over... those boys... because they were indefinitely better.
Drew Barrymore
Drew Barrymore is the Badass of the group. She was like the Geri Halliwell of SpiceWorld The Movie. She's full of attitude and sass. Also she's a redhead. And she wears lipstick better than the majority of the population.
Public Service Announcement: Drew Barrymore is also a boss. She bought the rights to Charlie's Angels years before they started production on the film and according to imdb, this earned her an estimated $40 million for the first film and a possible $80 million for the sequel. I mean, I'm not saying this will contribute to the style verdict... but this is the face of someone who is making it rain all damn day.
Well actually, this is the face of Barrymore's character Dylan. This is a flashback scene for the titles. It's a tbt to before tbt's were a thing. Did that make sense. I'm not sure. I kind of hate myself for saying that. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that Dylan was a "I'm a fucking rebel aren't I" type. Art imitating life, if you've read Barrymore's autobiography that she wrote then she was 14, like I very proudly have.
Dylan's wearing an excess of denim in a Joan Jett way which is a sure fire way into my heart.
She's bloody smoking in the toilets! She probably broke her arm climbing out of her window to go to an illegal rave! She hasn't brushed her hair! She's CherryBomb-ing all over the place!
Then she gets her shit together and joins the police academy...
...but swiftly punches the lights out of her commanding officer. 'Shit together' may be too strong of a phrase.
To contrast, modern day Dylan dresses up as LL Cool J.
For real.
Incase you may have suffered some adult-based memory loss like I apparently did since the film's release, the modern Charlie's Angels franchise opens with LL Cool J jumping out of a plane and ripping his face off to reveal... Drew Barrymore. Okay then.
When it comes to disguises, Charlie's Angels were apparently of the 'go big or go home' persuasion. This is the films first WTF moment. Shall I keep a tally of WTF moments? I'm not sure I have the stamina.
But anyway, let's have a look at what she's wearing.
Or not wearing perhaps. Dylan is sleeping with Tom Green. She wakes up looking like a million bucks. There's a leopard print pillow and some trademark bohemia bracelets involved. For some reason we see her bare hip. Because it's not obvious that she's naked in bed if we don't see her bare hip of course.
You know what I said about Drew Barrymore bringing better lipstick game than everyone else? Well here she is wearing lipstick better than everyone else even when most of it is smudged up her cheek.
And she's carried through her punk rock phase into gothic ballroom without a glitch. *tips hat*
Dylan drives her crime fighting friends around in this car. Major style kudos.
She wears bedazzled denim and has random ringlets in her hair. She may be a member of B*Witched.
Also she's sporting those colour fade lens sunglasses that we all thought were a good idea at the turn of the century. Imagine that phrase, 'turn of the century', forever used in history books, now meaning an ushering in of velour tracksuits, stripy highlights and low rise flares *shudders*
Back to Dylan. Now she's got said sunglasses in her gob.
But hold-the-fucking-phone because the next thing she does is downright dirty. And germy.
Yep. She's licking that guys steering wheel. I... don't know where to begin... I didn't remember this bit happening. Maybe I blocked it out. Maybe I thought that this was what sexy and cool and grown up looked like and maybe when I understood it I would be officially a woman. Either way, present day me just sat perplexed and said "what the fuck are you doing?" out loud, to myself.
Let's jump back to Redhead World because I'm getting freaked out.
Here's Dylan in an embroidered floral blazer, like a normal person.
She has beautiful messy hair and magical eye shadow and flirts all normal like using eye contact and lip looking and such.
She accidentally sleeps with the bad guy and simultaneously pulls off some pretty spectacular bed sheet origami. This shit's red carpet ready. "Pre-Raphaelite chic!" says that annoying E! red carpet presenter with the unblinking face.
Unfortunately, despite Dylan's flare for bedside artistry, her lover from five seconds ago puts away his lovegun and pulls out an actual gun and shoots at her and she falls out of the window, making all other one night stands seem perfectly manageable. She dangles naked from the ledge.
Correction: she dangles naked from the ledge of the coolest house EVER.
She falls and rolls down a hill. These two kids are talking about seeing boobs and then Drew Barrymore appears naked outside their house. They probably believe in God or genies or at least some immortal higher power after this event. There's an E.T poster on the wall. It's meta.
Dylan doesn't want to phone home but she does want to borrow some teen boy clothing to protect her modesty rather than that inflatable ring.
Girl gives pretty good neanderthal hair, but this is still a pretty low point in her character arc.
Actually perhaps scootering in to meet her friends wearing orange cargo shorts and a Steve Austin shirt is worse.
It says "100% PURE" on it. And her friends are wearing suit jackets. It's humiliating.
And I think those are snakes on it. But never fear, Dylan quickly gets changed because what is she going to do, fight people wearing comfortable or athletic clothing?! Get real!
So she storms in to rescue her boss with a plan!...Unfortunately the aforementioned bad guy proceeds to tie her up and hold her captive (note: non sexually).
Again, Drew Barrymore looks better than everyone else in lipstick, even when the lipstick is badly drawn onto duct tape by her morally corrupt lover. He then sends five meatheads to beat her up. I don't think this would be the pose I'd assume in that situation, personally.
But it's a great yellow graphic T and a heavy platformed shoe. This is my style highlight. This is when it is most apparent through the style choices that Dylan is the certified Badass of the tripod. What can I say, I love a clunky shoe.
She then proceeds to defeat all of the bad guys with the help of a few weird catchphrases.
Catchphrase number one:
Okay...
Catchphrase number two:
Sure. Sure, Dylan.
Catchphrase number three:
And then she dances her way out.
Why not. If in doubt, MJ.
They beat the bad guys! Everyone lives. And then there's a montage at the end where the Charlie's Angels pretend they're in a band. And Barrymore is obviously the bassist in baggy corduroy.
America! Fuck Yeah!
Lucy Liu
Now Lucy Liu is definitely the Cool Customer of the group. She's icy, but org of sexy movie star icy, and straightforward. Her character Alex is an overachiever who knows what she wants.
Let's look at Alex's flashback. Cue the sound of The Lizards' "Money"...
And yes that's Alex as a horse riding youth. A champion no less. I think she may have come from money.
She was also an astronaut. She ain't messing about.
But these day she just sits back in amazingly sparkly sunglasses and chills with her mates. Mates that save Mount Rushmore according to that headline. I'm not completely sure how one would "save" Mt Rush, but I'll go with it.
Alex's main character trait is that she's really good at flipping her hair. And looking really pleased with herself about it.
The other thing going on in her life is that Matt Le Blanc is her boyfriend. Here he is reading his lines in fake French, probably.
Meanwhile, Alex bakes wearing a leather corset, casually. LEATHER. CORSET. COOKING. That puts me in a heat strop just imagining doing that.
Alex knows how to do cool things like fix drive thru intercom systems with gum. Also, eat fast food and have a behind that looks like this. Very subtle shot, this.
I don't like patterns like this. Sorry Alex.
But I love this makeup.
And the fact you're pushing your hair flipping agenda onto everyone else.
Also I love this red gown on you, you are such a fox, batting away this guys advances cuz you've got business to do.
You're like "nah mate beat it" which I like.
Actually yeah, you're pretty cool Alex-- oh wait, why did you do your hair like that?
Don't do that.
DO get inspired by Lydia in Beetlejuice though.
Triangle gelled fringes all the way.
The fact you just masqueraded as a masseuse in traditional Chinese clothing then cracked someone's neck into unconsciousness is really fucking cool.
Like the coolest thing I've seen all day. It's a WTF moment, but it's a good un.
Bloody hell everyone - Melissa McCarthy is in this film!
Her character's name is Doris and she calls Alex a bitch. *sad face*
Most likely because Doris is a Prude and Alex is an Ice Queen? I think that's what the costume department is VERY SUBTLY trying to tell me?
I mean, McCarthy looks like she just walked straight out of a 1960's high school yearbook. Will Brad The Quarter Back ever give her a second glance or maybe even some day his letterman jacket? *swoons at imaginary Brad*
Lucy Liu however looks like she just walked out of a pretty heavy S&M fantasy. Or a 1990's Specsavers advert.
She's all leather and cracking whips.
She listens intently to the above guy and his nervous musings about improving office coke machines and then shoves his head in her chest. Her main strategy to get information in this instance is to invite mansplaining from a room full of male employees as a way of decoy.
Not surprisingly, it works like a dream. A gaggle of dipshits start telling her all about their "brilliant" ideas while crossdressing Diaz and Barrymore at the back there sneak off and go break into a mainframe or something. Nothing makes sense.
Luckily they head back to the office and Alex dresses down, as a zebra. There's some weird predator connotation thing happening in my brain that I don't want to figure out.
Her hair is lax because she's like, totally lax now. She's a zebra, maaaan.
Soon, Alex goes back to her main hobby: baking in constricting clothing.
Honestly, leather, corset, again? Am I supposed to be on board with this?
It's as if they're telling us that yes, she has a tough exterior, but really she's just a softie with a heart of gold who loves a good soufflé. Like Mary Berry I guess. Except, you know, the leather.
We end with the girls sipping cocktails on the beach. It's almost a shame that instagram wasn't invented yet. #cocktailsbitches #mygirls #sun #sea #sand #savingtheworld
I'm just jealous because, well, just look at Lucy Liu. This is a great look for her, this faux Hawaiian thing.
Cameron Diaz
So if Barrymore is the Badass and Liu is the Cool Customer, where does this leave Diaz? Why, the Ditzy Klutz of course! You still gotta have some romcom traits in an action movie! We don't want people to be overwhelmed by all the special effects and fighting and stuff. It's like how Bruce Willis was a Ditzy Klutz in Die Hard. Or am I thinking of Piers Brosnan as James Bond? Anyway!
Diaz's character Natalie was a Dutch haired teen who had huge braces and wore pink dungarees. She was a nerd, Just Like Us™. And she was a terrible driver.
So to clarify, as an adult Lucy Liu was an astronaut and Drew Barrymore was in the police academy. Diaz? She won a gameshow sporting a really naff hairstyle. We know who drew the short straw here.
And I'm pretty sure the driver of a speedboat should be paying attention to what direction she's going in. Oh Natalie, you're such a Ditzy Klutz. Good job we love ya!
At least at the end of the opening montage she gets to wear a raglan shirt.
I love a good raglan.
But alas, she's confined to dreaming about being a dancer.
While of course Diaz looks great in baby blue evening attire, look at these cheeseballs. This indicates that in Natalie's WILDEST DREAMS, she's surrounded by... badly dressed men. This does not bode well for her own style forecast. Those shirts? Nein danke.
Wake up Natalie! You're still just a geek still wearing braces 15 years later remember?
You might wanna talk to your orthodontist about that. Is scamming people into lifelong brace-wearing a thing? Sounds terrifying.
She dances her around her house in weird logo underwear.
BUT she also gets to chase bad guys in a formula one while looking intensely patriotic.
So life ain't too bad.
And she does win the high speed car chase. And look good as a brunette.
She flirts with Luke Wilson while pretending to be a waitress which sounds like a pretty good time. I mean it's unfortunate that style wise this is less 'Lizzy Caplan in Party Down' and more 'John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever' but her enthusiasm and trademark winning smile keep it from being a complete disaster.
And she gets to live out her dance dreams.
Which she is obviously ecstatic about. But she's wearing a one shoulder top.
I'm doing a bad job of hiding the fact that I hate all of these outfits aren't I? They're just so early 00's. And Tammy Girl style early 00's at that.
Cultural appropriation doesn't work out for her either.
There's a lot of that going on in this film. I mean, it's 'disguise' - but it's weird.
Here's Diaz's best disguise. It's her impression of Hollywood:
Whitewashed.
Time for the grand finale! In the 'Rock Out' sequence at the end of the film, Natalie looks like this. THAT WIG :(
We're at the point when even a Vivienne Westood Teddy Bear shirt can't save her. We can rule out Natalie winning.
THE WINNER...
It's Barrymore isn't it. Liu gave it her best shot but when it comes to Barrymore and her clothes I suddenly become Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama.
Soz Liu
L.U.DREW
Round two for the sequel???
