Mr Pointy

This is an ode to the pilot of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Now, don't take me for a rookie. I know the film came first, and I know the first pilot got thrown out, but this is it for me. This pilot was where my obsession with TV began, when I realised every other female character in every other show I had seen thus far had failed me, where grimey rock bars became my saviour before I even had a whiff of alcohol, and where a part of my soul fluttered over to America never to return. The 90's, man. Ugly menaces got staked and axed and crossbowed and punched and the wit hit even harder and my god... Angel. Just that face and that snark. I don't even know what my body would do if I ever saw David Boreanaz IRL because that spikey hair and velvet suit were it for me. I'd have to give my body over to science or something after that.

I didn't start watching Buffy in real time, I was seven in 1997 when it first aired, but I think I was probably ten when I first starting watching the reruns on BBC2. When Sarah Michelle Gellar kicking people in the face became my favourite thing in the world. And to this day, whenever I feel television is failing me, or the world is failing us all, I return to the Hellmouth. It is home. I am who I am because of Buffy, Willow and Xander. I am a composite of their personalities. And honestly, who better than those silly schmucks?

Now, I'm not saying that Buffy is perfect, but you know what, it's pretty fucking close. Let's delve into Sunnydale.

Buffy is starting at a new school. She's your classic eye-rolling valley girl but she's also this thing called a slayer. She's basically the number one protector of the human race from vampires. And it's vampires primarily, but every other demon also. Like she'd be slacking if she just did vampires. Good luck kid.

The principal is all "well you burned down the gym at your last school" and she's all "gimme a break buddy I gotta lotta shit on my plate rn"

You already know this thing is magic. It's coming of age AND supernatural. BTVS is basically John Hughes making A Gilmore Girls Hunger Games Nineties Special aka it covers all my needs and interests. PS amazing music.

The nineties were a golden age. A golden age of hiring 40 year olds as background extras for scenes in schools and shrugging, like yeah, seems legit. The Sunnydale High hallways were mainly home to men with 10am shadows, and women with the most age inappropriate pigtails you ever did see.

SMG always wore the cutest hair clips. She's a walking Claire's Accessories. And if you think anyone ever looked better in a mini skirt and leather knee high boots, I'd like to see your credentials please sir.

Next up there's Xander. He of floppy hair and goofy aside. I wanna squish his cheeks. I didn't fancy Xander the first time around (did I mention Angel?) but I really do these days.  He's just so funny and nervous. Plus he skateboards and helps you pick up your books when you drop them.

Any boy not allergic to books is okay in my books. I said books too many times. Xander basically locked eyes on our protagonist and immediately heard Joe Cocker's You Are So Beautiful echoing all around him. And you can hardly blame him.

Xander is our layman. He wears Vans trousers and layers under baggy shirts. He's our lovable doofus and comic relief. We love Xander.

Sidenote: who knew 2012 Lena Dunham was in the pilot of Buffy The Vampire Slayer?!

In the foreground there though, that's Cordelia. She's a dickhead, and she's brilliant. Her face is a permanent "ew, get away from me". She wears sheer all damn day and tortures everybody.

Especially Willow.

Willow is one of those future turnaround characters that were dressed up as an archetypal unpopular geek in the nineties, and are now seen as the best dressed person on the show. This outfit is a couple of undone buttons away from being The Coolest Girl At The Peckham Popup.

Teaming plaid and stripes and pastel like a pro. She has the strong sense of self to wear white tights in the California sun and oh yeah, the greatest Jansport backpack around. I miss those things.

The school librarian doubles as Buffy's Watcher. She fights demons and he teaches her how. And he reads a lot of books. His double life works out very well for him. He's called Giles.

He's British so he says "quite" and "damn" all the time and wears an impressive amount of tweed, naturally.

ENTER Angel:

I told you.

He's the brooding older guy (spoiler alert A LOT older) who drops by and talks in riddles about the dangers ahead. Upon reflection, if a guy stalked me into a dark alleyway and started talking about something called a Harvest... I'd call the police. But, you know, *points at his attractive face* *reminds you about Buffy's super strength*

Here's Willow again. This time as The Coolest Girl At The Islington Book Club. She may just have every borough of London covered, style wise. That cosy cardigan belonged to her grandmother and she found the floral collar dress when she went to New York over Christmas and discovered the most amazing Brooklyn Flea... probably.

I am of course joking because Willow Rosenberg predates all of these assumptions and is therefore an international treasure. We 20 somethings bow in her presence.

You hear that?

That's the sound of my brain synapses realising why I've loved white nail polish and plastic jewellery my entire life.

But what of the actually vampires? You know how Edward Cullen glitters? Kind of like how a small child would want to accessorise themselves for a role as a fairy princess in the school play?

This is Darla

She looks scary as fuck BECAUSE SHE'S A VAMPIRE. Note to all modern "vampire" things: you're supposed to be scared. A fair amount of hair and makeup is supposed to go into the costume. Not like a "did she spend an afternoon at the local craft fair" kind of effort, an "I can't look this person in the eye on set in case I shit myself" amount of effort.

I'm all in now, I'm rewatching Buffy The Vampire Slayer. This is just the beginning. Which is obvious, because it's the pilot. What I mean is that there's going to be a lot more of this on here.